Still Trying for a Rainbow

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I went to the doctor yesterday.  I probably should have gone in earlier in the summer.  But, here I am. I went to find out why we still haven't conceived at almost one year past our miscarriage.  I went in full of anxiety - but hopeful.  And, I should feel hope right now.  Yet, here I am.

It's been months since I felt like I needed to sit down and write like this.  I've composed blog posts in my head - and for months that has been enough.  Not today.  Today I need to write.

I should feel hopeful.  The doctor gave me a list of next steps - of things we need to be patient for and try.

We are in the dreaded "two week wait" time frame right now.  Praying.  Dreaming. Hoping, that maybe this time it will have worked.  Fertility issues are a never ending cycle of waiting. Waiting filled with anxiety.  Scared for the minus.  Scared for the plus.  Scared.  Always fear creeping in.  Scared that I'll have failed again.  (Yes, I know it isn't my fault).  Scared that if we have success that we will lose it again.

People take it for granted when it comes easily to them.  They take for granted the three years of hope when my period is a day late and dread when it comes the next day.

Three years of letting my heart open and then feeling it crash closed again.

Three years of "no".

Three years of "WHY?!!?"

Three years of... it isn't fair...

Three years of feeling as though I am grasping at a dream that will never be.

If at 8 years old you had asked me what I wanted to be... a teacher and a mom.
If at 12 years old you had asked....teacher...mom.
20...
30...
It begins to feel like I am so behind.  Facebook alerts me to the fact that most of the people I know have a child... many of them 2... or even 3...

...not me.

I went to the doctor and I was anxious.  I left and somehow I feel more broken and anxious than before.  Why? I shouldn't be.  She gave me options.  She told me what the next steps are.

Maybe it's because there is no clear answer.  No.. "this is your magic solution, drink up".  No..."you for sure have this and if you take this pill for 2 weeks, you'll be better!"

It's ...if this... then this...

If that... then that...

If neither of those... then this...

Maybe this...

Maybe that...

We'll have to take it one day at a time...

but I feel desperate.

I feel like I'm running out of time.

And, I know that I'm not...

but tell that to my heart.

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