Small Blessings

It has been a month since you left us, sweet baby.  Last Saturday, our priest did a wonderful prayer service for our family.  It meant so much to us all to pray together.  But, it was hard.  I had so much anxiety leading up to it. I don't know why.  I thought I wore the best waterproof mascara I had.  But, even that could not hold up to the tears I would shed as we prayed.  Father sang a beautiful version of Salve Regina and assured me that you were there to protect me now, baby.  It was beautiful.  We finally have the arrangements set for a proper burial.  Next Saturday you will finally have a resting place.  I am so grateful for the friend who reached out to share of her experience.  I did not know there were places that would do a burial for even a very early miscarriage.  Guardian Angels has a cemetery and one of their ministries is free burial for miscarriages and stillbirths.  You still have to pay for the "Loved and Cherished" burial box, but it is so nice to know that there are places that help parents in their time of worst grief.  Father Baer will be coming out next Saturday to the cemetery.  He has been so wonderful through all of this.

I know some people may think it is morbid, but I asked my brother to photograph our family one last time last Saturday.  Our small little baby box surrounded by his/her loving parents.  But, to me, these photos mean everything and are beautiful. I am so grateful to have them.  I plan to print one for our mantel and put a copy of each one in the memory box.  They are precious to me.

As we were getting our memory box stained, I thought maybe we bought too large a box.  In all reality, all we have to put inside are some pregnancy tests, the State Fair beer list announcement I had concocted before our visit to the fair and the one picture I have of Kyle, me, and the baby.  We had wanted our picture at the Alphabet Forest, as we do every year.  I didn't want to be too obvious - we had JUST found out that morning, so we posed with the words "Brown Family".  It is our only family picture, sweet baby.  And, if this post is not read, no one else will know you were there but us.  I haven't had it in me to name our child.  Sweet Baby Brown he or she will always be.  

As I started to take down the cards people had sent yesterday and I realized, that we had quite a big stack.  It took me aback for a moment to realize that we may not have gotten a big enough box after all.  I think they will all fit, but it is going to be more snug than I imagined.  It makes my heart swell to realize how surrounded by love we are.   And by people from all different parts of my life.  College friends, high school friends, friends from school, parents from school, friends from my grad school cohort, our parents, family.  It is humbling.  We are so lucky to have that kind of love and support.  Not all who go through this do.  

Some days, when I least expect it, anger creeps in.  Jealousy.  Sometimes it even feels like rage. Some days I lash out at my family, when I shouldn't.  Some days depression overtakes me.  I woke up one day last week feeling as though there was no way I could force myself in to work. But, I made it through.  And, as hard as teaching is, my students are helping me through in their own way. Through hugs and successes. Through their little gifts and pictures.  Through helping me to remember why I love children in the first place and making me laugh and smile due to their joy, awe, and wonder.  As hard as it is to take care of other people's babies right now, some days it is what is keeping me going.  Some days it is easier than others.  I revel in those glorious successes - the days when they listen so well we get to finish our day with a dance party and hops on the trampoline.  Some days will always be harder.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (on top of other awareness campaigns).  1 in 4 families suffer from these losses.  And, they are so, so hard. So many other mothers have opened their hearts to me after reading my posts or seeing my pictures on Facebook.  And, it is humbling that they have chosen to open their hearts up to me.  I feel blessed to be able to share in their grief in a way.  That, in sharing my grief so openly, it has given them someone to share with.  It truly is a beautiful gift from God to be able to open ourselves to one another like that.  In suffering, God provides small blessings.  Some days they are harder to see than others.